Terrified. What a word. If you want something, no matter how terrified you may be, you work for it. To have it in your hands and keep it there.

Let me tell you, I'm terrified of a lot of things but I think I'm much more terrified of not knowing. You know all those what ifs? I despise those. I think way too much of what could have been or what might have been. I'd rather just go through with it and know what happened and why. But then it takes more than one on that part. You can't move forward when something else is holding you back. Let go of that baggage and run. Run as fast and as far away from it as you can. Because let me tell you, it always always always somehow finds a way to bite you in your ass and destroys something good. Something that could have been great. Then again, there are always those could've, would've, should'ves... *sigh* things happen that way for a reason. Maybe to make room for something great?? I'm just so tired of being patient. I despise meeting new people and they take one look at me and tell me that I am an incredible person that will be going places and beautiful and that so many people will be lucky to have me. Well, where are they? Why should I believe all that? Heard it before, never seen it happen. At one point you've got to throw in the towel and just realize that it wasn't true. That people are to frightened to move forward  and that they don't believe like you do. Hmm... Tired of trying to be so damn patient. I guess its just the lonely in me talking. I miss my sister. She better get her ass over here pronto.

I had put so much trust in you only to find it was in vain. I thought you of all people would tell me the truth but now I see I can trust no one. All of your promises, BROKEN.... I'm so tired of trying to see the good in you when even your best friend tells me otherwise. You've done this to my way too many times and it makes it so easy for me to say... let go and forget about me. Thank you for letting me become just another story in your book.

You don't have to call, anymore.. I won't pick up the phone. This is the last straw, I dont want to hurt anymore. And you tell me that you're sorry and I don't believe you baby like I did before... You're not sorry...

There were ghosts in the eyes of all the boys you sent away...

You know I don't believe I've sent any one away. I've given them all chances. Many chances to be precise. Maybe thats where I went wrong. Hmm.. one can only wonder. But its too late to change the past.

So many things have been going on in my over active imagination. But I've come to a conclusion. That I have to write down just in case I change my mind once again and this has made the most sense so far....

You will do whatever you want to do. You could tell me one thing and do something else, you could be totally lying to me about numerous things. You could just be holding me here to boost your ego just cause you can rather than you actually caring. Which you seem to... but it all could be an illusion. I can't change what doesn't want to be changed. You're going to do what you're going to do. And if at one point I get over it. Great. At this point staying doesn't do much to me. I have nothing to lose but everything to gain. But if in the end you don't want me, its going to be your loss. You already know that I am incredible. You've already said it and maybe thats why you're keeping me here. But I'm not going to prolong this. Thats all I really needed to say. In the end, It'll be your loss.

Stumbling

I'm stumbling just a little over this newly found realization. And I'm not so sure I like it. Truth is, I'm in love with you. And I have no guts to tell you. Really now, because telling you will be the end of me. I will have no hope. Because of the fate of this hopeless romantic is to never really have love. I'm scared to tell you. Telling you will give over every inch of me to you. You will have all the power. Myself, none. I say I'm not afraid to be hurt. Because without hurt there is no love. But hurt from you, may be more than I can bare.

Then again, I know I can take it. Maybe its because I expect it. And I'm waiting not so patiently to happen. Really, I want you to tell me that you don't want me. That you don't love me. I don't expect anything to happen to us. Somehow I know we're meant to be friends. But I'm holding on to something although I don't know what.

I need you to tell me. Will you tell me? I know, you're probably thinking she's so damn emo but really, I need to know so I can get over this insatiable love I have for you. Because if you don't love me, you don't deserve this kind of love from me. I'll always love you, but I'll reserve this love for someone else. I only have so much to give... if only I could tell you what was really going on in my mind. Then maybe I'd know whats going on in your heart...

You better shape up. Cause I need a man. And my heart is set on you... You better shape up. You'd better understand. To my heart you must be true...

Listening to the voices in my head its hard to tell whats right and wrong. Conflicting with the voices in my heart. Stop telling me all these lies. I don't need to hear, don't want to hear. I cannot get my heart invested in you, again. You don't seem to see what becomes of me when I'm vulnerable. I don't like myself. I let myself feel like I'm insufficient and I'm anything but that. I am an amazing, incredible, loving individual and you can't make me feel like that. Not again. Never again.

But... even as I tell myself these things. As long as you're here... I will feel vulnerable and insufficient. Hopefully I can keep up with the lies to myself. And maybe... I'll be able to walk away...